Sleepless
by Sheytune
Summary: During Fire in the Ice, Brennan spends some sleepless nights
1. Realizations

Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own Bones.

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2:45 a.m. Twenty minutes since I'd woken up. This was the third time this week that I'd woken up after 2 or 3 hours of sleep. If the pattern held, I would toss and turn until it was time to get up.

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I must have yawned too often at lunch today. Angela asked if she was boring me. I had to explain that I wasn't bored, just tired since I've been suffering from insomnia.

Of course, Angela immediately asked if it had anything to do with Booth flirting with Agent Perotta. Why can't she understand that Booth and I are just partners? And friends, of course. Nothing more.

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3:15 a.m. My plan to stay up a little later in hopes of being exhausted didn't work. It's probably just stress. Admittedly, work is no more busy than usual, and my latest book went off to my editor last week, but ... maybe it's a result of the removal of the stress of trying to get the book done. That's probably it.

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Booth noticed that I was tired today. He teased me about it briefly, but then he and Agent Perotta had to leave – some sort of FBI thing.

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2:10 a.m. Earlier than usual. I'm so exhausted.

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Even when Perotta isn't around, Booth brings her up. Usually he doesn't tell me anything about his life, but now he can't stop talking about her. I'm so sick of hearing about her. We're friends, but it would be nice to have more than one topic of conversation.

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4:00 a.m. What a relief! Of course, waking up after 4 hours of sleep isn't much better than two. What if I get too exhausted to do my job?

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I fell asleep at my desk today. I was reviewing some paperwork, and the next thing I know Angela was clearing her throat in the doorway. She was very sympathetic – she asked if I was still suffering from insomnia. She didn't say anything, just raised her eyebrow. I told her she had to leave so that I could get back to work. The look she gave me!

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1:50 a.m. This is getting worse, not better. Maybe I should go to the doctor? Is there some sort of medical condition that robs you from sleep?

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Booth came by to pick up some case files today, and Angela asked him what he did last night. Apparently he and Perotta went to a hockey game. His smile lit up his face. It should be nice to see him so happy, but somehow it made me feel ... off. What is wrong with me?

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2:20 a.m. At least today is Friday. If this continues, I'll book an appointment on Monday. Something must be seriously wrong with me.

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No case this weekend, so I went shopping with Angela. I wonder what Booth was doing?

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1:45 a.m. What if Angela is right? What if I'm in love with Booth?

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	2. Discussions

Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own Bones.

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The phone rang at 7 a.m., waking me out of a sound sleep. At first I thought it was a prank call, since the line was filled with nothing but heavy breathing. However, at my second irritated "Hello?", she replied "Angela?". I've never heard her that upset. I'm pretty sure she was crying.

My first thought that something had happened to Booth, or possibly her dad, but that wasn't it.

By the time I got to her place, she had pulled herself together – at least on the surface. We sat in silence on the couch for what seemed like minutes, although it could have been much shorter.

Finally I broke the silence: "Bren, what's going on?".

"Ang, I think I'm in love with Booth."

I couldn't believe she finally was finally admitting it. No talking about brain chemistry or biological needs – just emotion.

Even more of a surprise, though, was the expression on her face – she looked devastated.

"Sweetie, that's good! I've thought that you two were in love for ages! Why do you look so upset?"

At that, it all came pouring out.

"I'm upset because I've made a horrible mess of things! Booth is my _friend_. We _work together_. And now these – feelings – are going to end all of that! I don't know what I'll do without him, but I can't watch him be with someone else!"

I have to admit, I was a little confused.

"Bren? Why do you think that this will end what you and Booth have?"

She was visibly upset by now.

"Ang, I know Booth. We're friends, and that's all he wants."

Somehow, I didn't think we were getting anywhere. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to put it in terms she would understand. "OK, let's look at this logically. Why do you think that you couldn't have a relationship with Booth?"

She had obviously given it a lot of thought, because she had a lot of reasons.

"First of all, we want different things. He has Parker, and he obviously wants more children. You should have seen him when we were taking care of Andy. I've never wanted children, you know that.

"Secondly, marriage is important to him, and you know I don't believe it's necessary."

I kept my thoughts to myself, but I have to admit that I felt like squealing – she's thinking about _marriage? _While I was daydreaming, she continued.

"I talk about things that have happened in my past, and he is a good friend – he listens, and he cares about what happened to me, but he doesn't trust me enough to share much about his past.

"After he was shot, he let me think he was dead. Parker, Rebecca, Jared, and his parents all knew – none of them were at his funeral – but he didn't tell me. I know he says he told the FBI to tell me, but he didn't seem too concerned that they didn't.

"Besides, whenever I'm dating someone, Booth immediately assumes he's a loser. He seems to think that only a loser would go out with me.

"And let's face it, Booth is the kind of guy who goes after what he wants. If he wanted more than friendship, he would have said something by now. "

With that, she stopped. I took a deep breath. I had to admit, that was a long list.

"Sweetie, let's look at this one at a time, and examine the facts, OK?

"First of all, children. That is certainly a big obstacle, and there's no doubt that Booth likes kids. Are you sure that he wants more children? Are you sure that you don't want any? That seems like something the two of you would have to work out if you were in a relationship, and it's something you should probably talk to him about.

"Next was marriage. Again, that's something you might be able to compromise on. I know you don't believe in marriage, but would you be willing to go through with it if it were important to him? Would he be willing to not marry if it were important to you?

"About him not talking about his past, I don't think it's a trust issue. I think Booth is used to being the one who takes care of people – he's not used to having someone to lean on. I don't see him confiding in other people, I just think he's used to dealing with things himself. If that bothers you, you should tell him.

"What else was there? Oh yes, the funeral. I believe him when he says that he wanted you to know, but I agree that he didn't seem very concerned that you didn't know. Have you two talked about it? I don't think he realizes how badly his 'death' affected you. That doesn't excuse what happened, and you have a right to be upset.

"And the guys you date? Booth thinks they're losers because he's jealous. Is it possible that he's in love with you – but he's scared he'll lose you if he makes a move?"

She looked sceptical. I could only hope that some of what I'd said would sink in. Given how much time they spend together – and how much bickering they do – you'd think they'd spend more time talking about the things that are important.

"Bren? You need to think about what you want, and then you need to talk with Booth. But in the meantime, do you want to go get some breakfast?"


	3. Resolution

Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own Bones.

AN: Thanks to all who reviewed. I always enjoy hearing your comments.

This is not where I thought we'd end up, yet here we are.

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It had been 5 days since my conversation with Angela. Booth had arrived on Tuesday with a report of some bones that had been found in a ditch. It was an easy investigation – it was readily apparent once I arrived at the scene that the bones were not human. That was the last time I had seen him, although we had talked on the phone once or twice. During the week, I'd caught Angela looking at me a couple of times, but so far she had managed to restrain herself.

However, it looked like my luck was about to run out. Through my glass walls, I could see Angela walking towards my office with a very determined look on her face. I braced myself.

Angela walked in, looking hesitant. "Hi Bren."

Maybe it was time to put her out of her misery. "Hi Ang. I have something to tell you."

She sat on the couch, looking hopeful. I hated having to do this to her.

"Ang, I've decided to take a couple of months to help out on a project in Rwanda. I leave in 3 weeks."

She looked shocked. Before she could start asking questions, I continued.

"I thought a lot about what we talked about on the weekend, and I've made my decision. Booth is more than a friend – he's a very important member of my family. If I were to tell him how I feel, I'd lose him – either because he doesn't feel the same way, or because we're very different people with our own scars from past experiences, and we would try for a relationship and fail.

"Booth has said before, there's a line that people who work together can't cross. After a lot of thought, I agree. The risk is too high. If we reached a point where we couldn't be around each other, I would lose him and, to a lesser extent, the whole team. I've lost my entire family once before. I'm not strong enough to do it again."

She had tears in her eyes. "So you're going to run away."

Obviously, I wasn't explaining myself well. "No, I'm taking a break. I'm stepping back, so that I can get to a place where I can be happy for Booth when he is in a relationship that makes him happy. I'll come back. I promise. I just need some distance for a while, so that I can be the friend I want to be."

She looked up at me. "You guys could be really good together. I've been telling you that for years."

I sighed. "I know, Ang. We could be really good, but it could also go very badly, and I'm not willing to risk what I have now for the chance at something wonderful. I know that's not what you want me to do, but I've given it a lot of thought, and I really believe it's the best decision for everyone. So I'm going to go to Rwanda. I've done trips like this before, and like every other time, I'll come back and we'll get back to work. It will be OK. But one favour? Please stop talking about how great Booth and I could be?"

She smiled at that. "Have you told Booth you're going yet?"

"Not yet, I was planning to stop by his office on my way home to tell him. He's not going to like it, but he will understand."

Ang stood up and gave me a hug. "OK. If you're sure this is what you want, I'll support you. I want you to be happy."

"I will be, Ang. It will just take a bit of time and distance."

As I watched her walk back to her office, I couldn't help but feel grateful that I had such a good friend. The loss of Zach was still a shadow hanging over the group. I couldn't risk losing anyone else. I made the right decision.


	4. Returning

Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own Bones.

AN: Thanks to all who reviewed. There seem to be a lot of people who think that this wasn't wrapped up sufficiently, so I'm going to take a stab at one more chapter. This is really it, though.

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Bones had planned to be gone for two months, but her trip had been extended. I know she loves to do these trips. Like our aborted trip to China, they give her the opportunity to use her skills in a different context.

Her absence meant that I'd been working with an FBI partner. We still relied on the squints at the Jeffersonian, but the lab wasn't the same without her there. Most of the cases we got were resolved without a forensic anthropologist, and the ones that need her attention are in storage at the Jeffersonian waiting for her return.

Cam, the other squints, and I had started meeting for lunch at the diner once a week. Over the years we had worked together, I have gotten used to having them around. Somehow, my week isn't complete without trying to eat while people around me discuss insects and corpses. At least Angela is relatively normal.

As nice as hanging out with the squints was, there was always something missing. Well, if I'm being honest, there was always some_one_ missing. Diner food doesn't taste as good when no one is telling me how unhealthy it is while subtly stealing my fries.

I'd heard from her a few times during her trip. She had made it to a place with internet access every few weeks, so every once in a while I'd get to work to find an e-mail from her. She talked some of the people she worked with, the weather, and the conditions in their camp. One of her e-mails walked me through what she called a typical day. It was heartbreaking, and funny, and made me miss her even more than I already did. I replied, of course, telling her about working cases without her, and an experiment that brought Cam close to firing Jack and Max, and about Parker's latest little league game.

When we'd first started working together, I didn't understand her at all. I thought she was arrogant, cold, and obnoxious. I didn't see how much she cared about her work and her friends.

I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the way she had become someone I depended on. She was the person I wanted to talk to when something bad happened, and when something good happened. When I felt worthless, she was the one who could make me feel like I had value.

It has been three months, and I still pick up the phone to call her when I'm having a bad day, or when something happens on the news that I know she'll have an opinion about.

The only good part about having her gone is that I don't have to watch her with other guys. Yes, I admit I'm jealous. They know her in a way I don't and, if you ask me, none of them deserve her. Part of that is her fault – she doesn't let them know her the way I do. She tells them – and me – that she's just looking for sex. She compartmentalizes, which keeps them from seeing how much she cares and how lonely she really is. As a result, they don't understand how much she hurts when they want more than just sex and she has to watch one more person walk away.

I guess there's another good thing about her being gone – I don't have to hear Angela, and Hodgins, and hell, half of the FBI, speculate about whether I'm in love with her, or she's in love with me, or whether we're sleeping together. I already know at least some of the answers. We're not sleeping together, and I've been in love with her for a long time. This is the real world, though, and love doesn't actually conquer all. I've never told her how I feel.

I could give you all kinds of reasons, but the truth is that I'm scared. I'm scared that she doesn't feel the same way. I'm scared that she does feel the same way, but that the real differences that we have will be too much. I'm scared that I want more than she can give me. Those fears all boil down to one underlying fear – I'm scared that I'll lose her if I tell her how I feel. The past three months have been really hard, and I knew she was coming back. How would I deal with it if I lost her forever?

Lately, though, I've been wondering if it's better to risk it all (and maybe lose) than to stay safe and never know how good we could have been. Is it the gambling addition talking, or should I take the risk?

Angela was supposed to meet her plane today, but she had car problems, so here I am, wearing my flashiest socks, waiting for her to arrive. Her plane has landed, and it looks like people are starting to disembark. I can't wait to see her again. As I stand here, I wonder if it's apparent how torn I am. Do I tell her, or not?

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And ... that's it. I'll leave whether he tells her or not to your own imaginations. I'm evil like that ... and I can't decide.


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